Welcome to Cougar Town
by OzellaMarie
Summary: Some say that women become 'Cougars' when they reach a certain age. But, what happens when the 'Cougar' falls for her son's much younger best friend? Let's find out! Edward/Bella-AH-'M' Rating-Lemons-Mature Content-Language-Adult Situations
1. The Dream

Welcome to the new, re-written version of Cougar Town! I hope you like the re-work!

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><p>Warning! This story contains adult content (Sexual and Language).<p>

Twilight is property of it's original owner(s).

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><p><strong>Chapter #1<strong>

**The Dream**

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><p>My car had been on the fritz for the past week and it was becoming an issue. I called my son Jasper, asking him to come take a look at it for me. He promised he would. I was thankful that I didn't need to have the damned thing towed to a mechanic. Those guys always seemed to find something else wrong with your car. I swear to the sweet chubby cherubs, you take your car in for a battery change and they end up finding that it needs a new alternator, some new plugs, and new brakes. <em>Crooked bastards.<em>

My son Jasper and his friend Edward Cullen co-own an auto repair shop. I've known Edward for three years now and I must admit that he is a yummy piece of eye candy. Sometimes I feel like a Pervy Penelope even admitting that about my sons' friend, especially because Edward is almost two decades younger than I am. But since I had turned forty-two, the title of Cougar has really started to take effect.

Once I padded my ass down the stairs I turned on the coffee pot and cranked up the stereo, tossing in one of my favorite cd's. I was still in my panties, camisole and a thigh length silk robe, when the door bell rang. Figuring it was my son, I opened the door.

"Good morning, baby boy."

"Well, good morning to you too buttercup," said Edward, smiling his signature lopsided grin.

I would have shit my pants seven ways to Sunday…if I was wearing any.

Edward stood there, trailing his eyes up and down my body under heavily hooded lashes. His lips parted slightly. His eyebrow cocked. His searing gaze scorching my skin.

Now let me explain. Technically, I hadn't had sex in over a year. Since Jasper's father and I divorced, my pussy has encountered a serious drought. Albeit, there has been the occasional nub flicking session I'd given myself, not to mention playing with B.O.B. But, nothing ever replaced the feel of a man's hard, throbbing cock between my legs. My damn mouth watered just thinking about it.

"Oh, hey Edward," I said wrapping my arms around me for extra concealment. "What, um, can I do for you?"

His eyes silently took me in. "Jasper asked me to come over and take a look at your car. He said you were having issues with it. He had something he needed to take care of so he figured that I might be able to help you out." It didn't escape my notice that Edward's eyes were silently trained on the 'V' of my cleavage.

His chiseled jaw tighten as he spoke to me. To be quite honest it turned me on, causing a slow, burning ache between my legs.

"Oh, okay, well, that's nice of you to come all this way. Just let me go up stairs and get changed, "I replied. "There's coffee in the kitchen and my keys are on the cabinet. Help yourself to whatever you'd like."

I took the stairs two at a time because really, I was getting lightheaded just thinking about the young piece of man-meat in my foyer; a healthy, young, gorgeous man that could take care of said ache between my legs in a heartbeat.

Once I reached my bedroom, I closed the door and leaned against it. I was sure the ache I felt in my chest was a heart attack coming on.

I exhaled a much needed breath and pushed away from the door. As I rummaged through my chest of drawers, looking for something decent to wear, I must not have been paying much attention to my surroundings. As I pulled out a pair of blue lace panties, I felt heat radiate off of my back. It seared to the top of my head and down to the tips of my toes which made my entire body shiver.

When I finally brought myself to turn around, Edward was standing behind me inches from my face. His deep green eyes were dark and full of lust and want. I tried to speak. I really did. But, like all things fucked up, the words were stuck. I almost felt mute, a mute with a pool of moisture between her legs. I couldn't speak.

I had never, in the three years I've known Edward, really looked at him. I mean _looked_ at him the way I was now.

As Edward reached up and cupped the side of my face in his hand, I slowly took in every feature on his beautiful face. His deep green eyes, his strong jaw, the light stubble that blanketed the area around his mouth and chin, and his hair. My fingers itched to pull the sexy bronze mess on his head.

I wanted him.

I wanted Edward Cullen.

I wanted my son's best friend.

There was no denying it any further.

I needed him inside me.

I wanted his mouth on my naked flesh and between my milky thighs.

My skin prickled with goose bumps just by the simple touch of his strong hand, as he trailed his index finger down the side of my face and neck until he reached my right breast, tracing its underside excruciatingly slow.

With his face mere inches from mine, he furrowed his brows. "Is this okay?" he asked, apprehension laced his voice, as his index finger continued the sweet, sexy torture.

I sucked in a shallow breath. "Yes," I told him as my body trembled with anticipation.

A slow growl seeped through his lips. He looked into my eyes, searching for confirmation, as I nodded my head for him to continue. He took my nipple between his index finger and thumb and began rolling it, sending sparks straight to my eager pussy.

"Oh, God," I moaned, earning a dark, wild look in Edward's eyes.

Without warning, he buried his face in the curve of my neck, all the while continuing to roll my taut nipple, increasing the pressure with each pass.

My rigid frame succumbed to his actions as he laid open kisses on my neck, tracing small circles with his tongue. His hot breath began scorching my skin, causing my knees to buckle. I felt my body jolt with pleasure, as he ran his tongue from my neck up to my ear, taking my earlobe in between his teeth.

"I want to fuck you." His voice was thick with desire. "I want to do things to you that no man has ever done before," he said, trailing his tongue along my jaw line. "And, I _need_ to be deep inside this." His voice was full of lust as he slid his long fingers under my silk robe, through the top of my panties, until he reached my the apex between my legs.

My mind was in total chaos. Logical thinking went out the window the moment he touched me.

"I _need_ to taste you, Bella," he said with a slow urgency. "Let me taste your sweet pussy."

Before I could utter a coherent response, his lips crashed down on mine. I released a guttural moan as I felt the sting of desire race through my body. As our lips meshed together in a heated frenzy, Edward closed the small space between us, bringing his hands up the side of my face, and lacing them through my hair, pulling my face closer to his if that was even possible.

Feeling his rock hard bulge pressed into my hip, I knew exactly what it was that I wanted.

"Please," I shamelessly begged as I pulled away from his kiss swollen lips. "Touch me."

In one swift move Edward picked me up off the floor, wrapping his arms around my waist, as I wound my legs around his waist, all the while continuing to kiss me with heated passion. He carried me to my bed, gently lying me down. I watched as he stared at me, our eyes locking.

"You don't know how long I've wanted you," he said, taking me in.

He hooked his hands up underneath the backs of my legs and pulled me to the edge of the bed, allowing him complete access to what'd he'd been wanting.

And then…he dropped to his knees.

My head, my heart, and my pussy were at war. My head saying 'no', my heart screaming 'yes' and my pussy telling them both to shut the fuck up.

As my body relented, Edward slid his fingers up under the elastic of my panties, pulling them away from my hips, and throwing them on to the floor.

"Spread your legs baby. _Wide_." He didn't move, didn't speak, he just gazed. "Fucking beautiful."

And then…he made me see stars.

I could hear Nine Inch Nails "Closer" playing downstairs, the bass thumping and vibrating off the walls, as he trailed his finger up and down my slick, wet folds, dipping it slow and deep.

"Oh, fuck yes," I pleasurably cried out, arching my back, and needing it deeper. Deeper, Edward!"

As he continued to finger fuck me, slipping in a third digit, stretching my aching walls, I felt his hot breath as he placed his open mouth on me.

My body shook and my hips writhed off the bed. "More. Please, give me more," I begged, gripping his hair, pulling him even closer to my aching core.

Edward rapidly flicked my swollen clit with his tongue, as he continued to pump his fingers into my wet core.

I wanted to grab him by the hair and pull him even closer to me.

I wanted to taste him.

I wanted to feel him inside me.

I needed whatever he was willing to give me.

Everything from the erotic song to the erotic man, lavishing me with his mouth, sent me careening over the edge.

My hips bucked with each pump of Edward's delectable fingers. As each pass of his thick tongue swiped over my swollen clit, sucking and nibbling, swirling and nipping, the tightening in my belly intensified as my release was being pulled from me.

"Cum for me, Bella," Edward whispered, pulling away from my wet core, continuing to thrust his fingers deep inside of me. "I _need_ see that pussy cum. Make that pussy cum for me, Bella."

His erotic, naughty words, coaxing me along, were my undoing. Feeling the tightening in my belly, I rocked my hips forward, pulling his hair, bringing him closer to me. I felt my walls clench around him as I rose and fell, calling his name.

"Oh fuck, Edward! Yes! Harder!" I screamed as he licked and plunged deeper inside of me, pulling every ounce of my release from me.

"That's it, baby. Let it go. Let me have all of it," he said as my body writhed and shook beneath him. "_Fuck_," he breathed, licking the rest of the moisture from my swollen, wet folds. "That was fucking hot."

As I came down from my high, looking down at Edward as he stuck each finger in his mouth and licked me clean off of them, a sudden charge of boldness washed over me. I wanted to give Edward exactly what he'd just given to me. I wanted to have him deep in my mouth, writhing beneath my touch. I needed to give this to him. I could taste it.

"Stand up Edward," I said, running my hands over my breasts, pinching and tugging at my nipples, causing the all too familiar build-up in my belly. "I need to taste you."

"Keep touching yourself," he instructed as he started unbuttoning his work shirt.

His chest was cut to perfection, solid and hard. His strong hands gripped grip shirt and slid it off of his shoulders, throwing it on to the floor. He made quick work of unbuttoning the fly of his jeans, slipping them over his defined hips and over his ass, letting them slide to the floor as he stepped out of them.

"Touch your pussy, Bella," he said as he hooked his fingers in the waistband of his boxer briefs, pulling them down in the same fashion as his jeans. "I want to see you touch yourself."

I stroked my glistening folds, eagerly dipping my finger inside, watching Edward release his massive, hard cock in front of me. My mouth went instantly dry as I stared at the beautiful man at the end of my bed.

Edward wrapped his hand around his impressive length and began to slowly pump back and forth, bringing his hand down his shaft and working it back up, teasing the head with his thumb at each pass, making my pussy even wetter just by watching him.

I wrapped my fingers around his length, looked up at him and winked, "Let's see if years of practice paid off. Shall we?" He flashed a wide smile at me, bit his bottom lip and winked back at me. That's all it took.

I leaned forward and began to lick his swollen tip making him gasp, "Oh…Shit!"

"Do you like that?" I asked teasingly.

"Fuck yes. Please don't stop," He begged.

I slowly trailed my tongue underneath his shaft from base to tip massaging his sack. "Fuck Bella," he said shakily.

I chuckled softly. "Breathe, Edward."

I began sucking his full length relaxing my throat to take him all the way in. Sliding my mouth up and down his throbbing shaft, loving on every inch of it. His deep moans made me suck harder and faster, as my hand stroked him.

He grabbed the back of my hair, pulling me down onto him, leading the way, up and down, in and out, as I continued to taste him.

I finally released him with a popping sound and licked my lips. "Edward, I want you inside me, now," I demanded. My body yearned to be connected to his, feeling him deep within my swollen walls.

"Lay down," he said. As he crawled onto my bed, he brought his mouth closer to my ear and whispered, "You might wanna hold on tight." He kissed my lips again and winked.

As he aligned himself to my demanding and waiting pussy, I could hear the faint sound of noise, a ringing rather. The ringing continued to get louder and louder as I tried to ignore it and concentrate on the beautiful man before me.

And then….

"Hello?" I said in a state of confusion, mind reeling and my girly parts twitching.

"Hey Ms. Swan. It's Edward."

"Edward?" I asked looking around my room completely fucking confused.

"Yeah. Jasper said that you needed your car looked at so he asked me to stop by and take a look at it. He had to take care of something. Is it okay to stop by in an hour?"

"Uh…sure Edward. That'll be fine."

"Okay Ms. Swan, see you then."

I laid in my bed trying to figure what the hell just happened.

"Holy Crap!" I bellowed, giving myself a dramatic face palm. "STUPID FUCKING DREAM!"


	2. Ask And You Shall Receive

**Chapter #2**

**You Ask And You Shall Receive**

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><p>I was spent and breathless after my very erotic, very real, dream. Every thought of Edward Cullen naked with a hard on made my pussy pulse and ache with need. I know it's just absolutely wrong to think of my son's friend like that, but I couldn't help but want that dream to be real.<p>

I want to look into those deep green eyes.

I want to have his lips dance across my naked flesh.

I want his face buried between my legs, lapping up my hot dripping honey.

I want to wrap my lips around his thick, long, hard cock and make him moan my name.

I want to show him how I could satisfy him in ways he's never known.

I could feel myself getting wetter just by the vivid visuals. I began to touch myself, gripping my left breast with one hand and sliding the other hand down my thigh and back up to my aching hot sex. Running my fingers along the outside of my panties right above my pussy, I continued to lightly tug on my taut nipple.

Hooking my thumbs under the waistband of my panties I slid them off and tossed them onto the floor, hastily. I eagerly began rubbing my moist folds, slipping my fingers into my hot sex deeper and deeper. The pang of electricity damn near sent me careening over the edge.

"Oh God, yes," I whimpered as I continued to work myself into sexual gradification.

I slid my fingers up to my mouth and tasted myself only to make my pussy ache for more. I plunged my fingers back inside of me and continued to work myself, knowing my release was coming.

"Oh yes! Yes Edward, right there! Fuck me right there!" I called.

The coiling in my belly knotted and twist, causing my back to arch. My hips bucked with wild abandon.

"Edward, fuck me harder. Please fuck me harder!" I yelled out as my release exploded from within me.

I laid in bed feeling spent and revived, when I heard the thumping of feet coming up my stairs.

_What the fuck?_

"Mom? Mom, are you okay in there? I heard screaming, the front door was unlocked. Are you alright?"

_Shit! Shit! Double shit!_

"Yeah…um…I'm alright, baby. I just tripped," I lied scrambling to get out of bed but not before losing my legs beneath me and hitting the floor.

"Mom, what are you doing in there? Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," I assured.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, I'm good. I'll see you down stairs, Jasper."

_What the hell is Jasper doing here?_

I quickly gathered my wits about me and made my way down the stairs. I wasn't sure what all Jasper had heard during my solo love fest and I wasn't really sure that I wanted to know the answer to that question.

More so, I was curious as to why Jasper had come over instead of Edward.

"Hey, sweetie," I said to my son, meeting him in the kitchen. "What are you doing here?"

Jasper's brows knitted together as he looked at me with confusion. "You feeling okay, Mom?"

I smiled, nervously. "Yeah, why?"

_God, please don't let my son have heard me screaming his friend's name. _

"You look a little queasy. And what was with all the yelling up there," he said, nodding toward the upstairs. "You sounded like you were being attacked."

_That's an understatement. _

_Yeah, you're mom wished someone would attack her._

_Fuck off, Bitcherella!_

_"You first, Pervy McPerverson!_

"Oh, sweetie, I'm just fine. I just tripped over the area rug." I hated lying to Jasper. "You know how clumsy your ole' mom can be."

"No kidding, Mom. I swear, sometimes I think your feet have a mind of their own," he said, chuckling softly. "Remember that time when…"

I quickly interjected. "Let's not and say we did okay?"

"Whatever you say, Mom. Anyway, I got Emmett out there looking at the car. Shouldn't be too much longer," Jasper said. "Do you want me to bring up the trash cans while I'm here?"

My mind went completely blank for two point two seconds. "Emmett came with you?"

"Oh, yeah. We were kind of slow today and he still needs to brush up on some of the finer points of mechanics so I brought him along."

"And you trust him to look at my car by himself?"

"Yeah. He may look like a big oaf but the guy is catching on pretty well."

I was still confused by the phone call that had interrupted my afternoon delight. "Um, out of curiosity. I thought Edward was supposed to stop by to check out the car."

"Edward?" Jasper asked, his brows knitted once again. "Why would you think that Edward was coming over?"

"Oh, I just thought he called earlier. I must've been mistaken." I felt the blush creep up my neck at the thought of Edward Cullen.

_Please don't let it show. Please don't let it show._

_Oh it shows, Swan. That tell-all sign always shows._

The concerned look on Jasper's face worried me that he sensed something odd. He narrowed his eyes. "Mom, _I_ called you earlier. Edward's in Seattle picking up some parts for the shop. Are you sure that you're okay? You look flushed."

I didn't know what to say. Actually, I didn't know if I was coming or going anymore. How did I not know that it was Jasper that had called me this morning and not Edward? How could I have mistaken the two?

_I'm going to hell. Yes. Yes I am._

_Yes you are. And you're gonna burn for lusting after your son's friend. _

Shaking my inner bitchy voice away, I looked over at Jasper who was still eyeing me. "Do you need to see a doctor, Mom?"

_What? He thinks I need a quack?_

_Maybe you do. Maybe you need a mental evaluation. You're losing it, Swan. Losing it, I say!_

I smiled. "No, baby. I think I just need to lie down. I'm actually starting to get a headache. Can you see yourself out?" I hated doing this but I really needed to get my head back in order. Not to mention my body that was still lusting over one Edward Cullen.

Before Jasper could speak, the door that separated the kitchen and the garage burst open.

"Hey, Ms. Swan! How's it hangin'?"

Emmett Cullen. What could I say about the boy? Big, burly, and boisterous. He was also Edward's brother which made looking at him slightly awkward for me.

"Doing well, Emmett. So what's the consensus on the car? "How bad is it?"

"Well, not all that bad. You're alternator took a crap," he informed, smiling like a buffoon.

"Don't worry, Mom. I'll have one of the guys bring it by later today and get the car back and running," Jasper said. But in the meantime, we gotta get back to the shop."

After Jasper and Emmett left I decided to take a much needed shower. And with my muscles as tense as they were I needed something to ease them. Standing under the hot water, my mind traveled back to the dream I'd had earlier in the day. And, it wasn't long before my body was feeling the all too familiar desire once again.

Slowly, I ran my hand over my left breast, circling my nipple and giving it a small squeeze. I instantly felt hot sparks making a beeline for the apex between my legs. As I gradually trailed my fingers down over my belly, inching my way to the spot I needed them the most, a distinct sound echoed through my house.

One ring…Two rings…Three rings…Who in the hell is ringing the goddamned doorbell at a time like this?

Frustrated, breathless, and wet I scurried out of the shower, grabbing a bath towel, and leaving a trail of water in my wake. As I took the stairs two at a time, the phantom doorbell ringer was relentless. I hadn't even bothered to access my wardrobe.

By the fifth ring I was ready to beat the perpetrator. Well, that was until I opened the door.

"Wow, um, shit, Ms. Swan. You. I mean, you're all, um, wet. _Damn_."

My eyes went wide with horror.

_This cannot be happening. _

_Oh it's happening, Swan. Oh, yes. It's happening._

"Edward?"

_I'm so fucked. _

_Yes. Yes you are. Or you will be._

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><p><strong>Hope you all liked it. Let me know!<strong>

**Until Next Time...**

**OzellaMarie**


	3. Wet Cougars and Chinese Buffets

**Chapter #3**

**Wet Cougars and Chinese Buffets**

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><p><em>Ab<em>_ort mission! Abort mission!_

My breath caught in my throat.

_Jesus Christ, woman! Retreat now! Retreat before he sees your stretch marks of doom!_

_What the hell is he doing here?_

_You're in a towel, dumbass! You just took a shower! Fucking duh!_

I looked down and noticed that I indeed was draped in only a towel, dripping on the tiled floor in my foyer. I closed my eyes and wished for the floor to suck me in.

I slowly let out a shaky breath, moving my half nakedness behind the front door. "Hey, Edward, um, what can I do for you?"

I quickly realized that Edward's green eyes were trained at my exposed legs. I cleared my throat, causing his eyes to snap up to mine.

"Uh, I thought Jasper might still be here. I just got in from Seattle and thought I'd meet him here to see if he needed help," he said quickly as he trailed his eyes over the wet skin on my arms.

_This is so embarrassing._

_It should be. Better hope you don't drop that towel or he _will_ get sight of those hideous stretch marks of yours._

"No. Jasper isn't here." My heart felt like it was about to leap from my chest. "He left a couple hours ago."

_Fuck he looks yummy._

_Don't think about it, Pervy! This can only end horribly. You know it!_

My entire body, every fiber, was on fire, burning through my senses, making me completely aware that the craving I had for Edward Cullen was stronger than ever.

I'd known from past encounters with him that Edward was heavily tattooed, not to mention that he had his lip and right brow pierced, along with two inch gages in each of his ears. I wasn't quite sure the extent of the ink on his body but from what I could see, he had tattoos covering each of his arms and the left side of his neck.

I'd never been much of a fan for body art, especially ones that required getting a needle punctured into one's skin a gazillion times. When Jasper showed me his first tattoo I had about shit myself. He tried talking me into getting one of my own after my divorce. That wasn't happening.

A throat clearing snapped me back to the now.

"Well, I'm sorry for disturbing you, Ms. Swan." Edward's eyes skimmed from my eyes down to the cleavage between my breasts.

_Typical boob man. _

I shook my head. "It's okay, Edward."

It didn't escape my notice when his tongue slid out from his mouth and slowly slid across his bottom lip, and over his lip ring.

"Fuck, that's sexy as hell."

_Oh, _NOW_ you did it, Pervy! _

_What? What did I do?_

_If he didn't know before, he sure does now._

_What!_

_You said that out loud, Dumbfuck! Sometimes I think you're two screws short of a complete project. _

Realizing that my mouth just had an explosive case of word vomit, I screwed my eyes shut, hoping that Edward hadn't heard me.

"You like it, huh?" The question was followed by a sexy, lopsided grin, and a tongue flick of the lip ring in question.

_Nope, he heard you. Nice, Pervy. Real nice._

Before I could utter a coherent response, an unlikely lifesaver wailed from the sidewalk.

"Bella, where the hell are you? Oh, there you are." My best friend, Rosalie Hale, said, before stopping and accessing the odd situation. "Um, everything okay, Bells?"

"Huh?" Once again I sound like a doofus. "Oh, yeah, everything's fine. I was, uh, just talking to Edward. He stopped by."

Rosalie's narrowed eyes shifted between Edward and me. I could clearly tell that she was skeptical.

"I was just about to go inside. What's going on?"

Rosalie eyed me carefully. "Sure. Whatever you say, Bella. Anyways, I got this fancy shmancy curling iron today and I want to use you as a guinea pig," she announced, noticing Edward quietly standing off to the side. "You staying, Handsome?"

"No. I was just leaving. It's nice to see you again Rosalie," Edward said looking past her and smiling at me. "And it's always a pleasure seeing you, Ms. Swan."

As Edward stepped off the front steps, he did something that about gave me a heart attack, not to mention I thought for a split second that I was seeing things.

"Did he just wink at you? He just winked at you!" Rosalie blurted.

"No, he didn't," I replied, knowing full well that that was exactly what he'd done. My heart started to race a little at the thought and my girly bits got a tad excited as well. I hadn't been one to find younger men attractive in the past, but lately was another story.

"I'd be all over that like white on rice at a Chinese buffet!" Rosalie said, licking her lips dramatically and pushing out her oversized boobs.

"I don't doubt that," I said with a giggle.

"Alright, let's get upstairs so I can work some magic!"

Forty-five minutes later all hell broke loose!

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><p><strong>There ya go!<strong>

**Let me know what you thought, what you might like to see happen between these two, and just anything that tickles your pickle!**

**Until next time...**

**OzellaMarie**


	4. Old Ass Chick Fight

**Chapter #4**

**Old Ass Chick Fight**

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><p>It's stuck."<p>

"Well, get it out!"

"I'm trying. Oh, my god."

"What?"

"I can't get it out."

"Ouch!"

"Hold on. Let me try something."

"Fuck! You _need_ to get it out now. If it stays in there, I'm gonna kill you!"

"I'm gonna have to cut it out."

"Oh, hell no. Get some mayonnaise or butter. Try something, but _do not_ cut my hair!"

"What are you two doing?" a tiny voice asked. I knew full well that my future daughter-in-law Alice had arrived and just become my savior.

"Oh, nothing. Rosalie here 'accidently' dropped her gum in my hair while she was attempting to give me a new hairdo that I did not want in the first place!" I was literally seething. "If she hadn't been talking so much, the shit wouldn't have flown out of her big, fat, gum-flapping mouth."

"Oh, shut the fuck up!" Rosalie huffed.

"Let me see it," Alice cut in, looking over the catastrophe that was my hair. "I can get it out, Bella, but I will have to make little snips. I could try and use peanut butter to help, but snipping the hair might be the best solution."

I sat in my bathroom, looking at my demolished, teased hair and then the flood gates opened. I began crying like a baby. After everything that had happened over the past year, not to mention I think menopause was starting to creep up on me along with my non-existent sex life, this was the last straw. I was a mess and so was my mascara and the blonde bitch was fixing to get it!

"Bella don't cry. I'll fix it. Your hair will be as good as new in a matter of minutes," Alice assured.

"I don't know why you're crying ya big baby. It's just a little gum," Rosalie said, that only made me sob harder. "Besides, your hair didn't look all that great to begin with. You should really think about getting a root job done on those graying roots of yours."

"Geez Rose, compassionate much? This is _your_ fault, remember?" Alice reminded her.

"It's not like I meant to do it! Besides, it gives her character," Rosalie chuckled, sticking another piece of spearmint gum in her mouth.

That was all it took. I was hot on her heels pouncing on her like a cat. "I'm gonna kick your old, fat ass you fucking beast!"

"Alice, get this hag off me!" Rosalie bellowed, trying to grab at my jacked up hair. "Ahh! She bit me! You fucking bit my arm, Bella!"

"Um…yeah, I'm not jumpin' in the middle of that shit. You're on your own, Buttercup. Damn! That looks like it hurts Rose!" Alice winced. "Maybe next time you'll be nice."

"Uncle! Uncle! I call uncle! Rose surrendered.

Grabbing Rosalie by the hair, I pulled her down to the floor. "You've always been a bitch Rose. I don't know why I've stayed friends with you for so long, you damned heifer!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, locking Rosalie's neck in a choke hold. "Ever since we were kids you never cared about anyone else's feelings but your own! Just like the time you tried to steal Aro Valen from me in high school!"

"That was a long time ago." Rosalie struggled to breathe, writhing around the floor. "Besides, I didn't steal him! I borrowed him!" Rosalie barked out.

"What the fuck!" a voice bellowed from my bedroom door. "Again?"

"Oh, no, babe. _They_ aren't fighting. Your _mom _is fighting. Rose has been in that pretzel position for the past ten minutes. Besides, I told you they were getting into it when I called you to get your butt over here," Alice giggled, reaching on her tip toes to kiss my son on his cheek. "Uh…I wouldn't get too close if I wear you. You're much safer over here," she warned pointing her finger to the empty spot next to her.

"Mom, get off of Aunt Rose!" Jasper said as he sprinted over to Rosalie and I, getting a little too close.

"Jasper, if you touch me, I swear to god I will bend your grown ass over my knee and whoop you front the woman who will someday be having your children!" I warned, keeping my grip on Rosalie's neck, while wrapping my legs tightly around her torso. "Wish you were this flexible, don't'ya bitch!"

"I told you," Alice reminded Jasper, patting his shoulder lightly.

"H-el-p me Jas-per!" Rose breathed slowly. "I ca-n-t brea-ve."

The loud booming of feet coming up my stairs meant they could belong to only one person. "WHOA! A chick fight! An _old_ _ass_ chick fight!"

"Emmett! Come help me pry these two loonies apart!" Jasper demanded.

"Do I have to? Your mom looks _really _scary right now," Emmett asked.

"Emmett, get the fuck over here!" yelled Jasper.

Emmett and Jasper began to trying to get me off of Rosalie, but the death grip I had on her wasn't going anywhere. I wanted her, anyone for that matter, to feel what I was going through emotionally at that moment. With Rosalie being as un-sensitive as she was being, _she_ got the beat down.

"Ow! Damn, Ms. Swan!" Emmett cried out. "Dude, Jasper, your mom just kicked me in my neck!"

"I'll pull my mom and you pull Rosalie by the feet," Jasper instructed.

"Ow! Fuck! Quit kicking me in the neck, Ms. Swan!" Emmett cried out again. "That shit fucking hurts!"

"Hey, where'd you two buttholes go? What. The. Fuck?" a deeper, huskier voice called out from my bedroom door.

"Edward! Get over here and help us," Jasper said. "My mom's getting ruthless!"

I hadn't realized that through all of the chaos, I was still only wearing a tank top and a pair of blue lace pantiesI had put on after Edward left this morning. I hadn't finished getting dressed before the beast got her gum stuck in my hair. What really caught my attention was that Edward was down between my legs trying to help Emmett pull me away. That was all it took before I got distracted and Edward was successful in prying me away from Rosalie, but with me ending up on top of him.

"Mom. Get off my friend!" Jasper called out, snapping me out of my five second, lust filled reverie.

"Ms. Swan," Edward said in barely a whisper and gracing me with a crooked smile to boot. "It's nice to see you again."

I smiled at him before I quickly scrambled to get to my feet. As I stood there to catch my composure, five sets of eyes were glued to me.

"Mom, um, do you think you can put something on?" Jasper requested, motioning with his eyes to my partially clad lower section.

I slipped on a pair of shorts and sat on my bed, trying to catch my breath. My hair was still a clusterfuck of a mess.

Rosalie was on her fet in a hot second, accessing herself for any wounds inside my ensuite bathroom. The only thing she received from my rampage was a fat lip where Emmett's elbow ended up at sometime during the fiasco.

"Bella, you need therapy," Rosalie commented from the bathroom, taking shallow breaths.

"Probably," I replied, tears threatening to escape. "I'm sorry, Rosalie."

"Yeah, me too," Rosalie said. "But you still need therapy."

After everyone stepped out of my room so I could get dressed, Edward walked over and handed me some tissue to wipe under my eyes.

When he made his way to my bedroom door, getting ready to close it, he turned around, winked, and said, "You look good in blue, Ms. Swan."

_Oh my god! I'm still in my panties!_

* * *

><p><strong>Another update for you!<strong>

**Hope you all got a kick out of this one...**

**Until next time...**

**OzellaMarie**


	5. Confessing Friends

**Chapter #5**

**Confessing Friends**

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><p>That had been the hottest thing I had ever witnessed. No. Scratch that. That was the sexiest thing I had ever witnessed. It even tops that mud wrestling event Emmett, Jasper, and I had attended last year. Fuck, those women covered in mud, wearing nothing but string bikinis, were enough to give me a permanent boner.<p>

And Bella in those little blue panties today was the icing on the cake.

Although I usually am attracted to women my own age, I have a great appreciation for older, more seasoned women. And Bella Swan, yeah, she's no exception.

When Jasper told Emmett and I that he needed us to go with him to his Bella's house because of a fight that had broke out between she and Rosalie, I naturally thought it was just some scream fest over something trivial that needed a mediation. I was so not expecting walking into Bella's room and finding the two of them rolling around on the floor in an all out brawl.

"Dude, I'd hate to meet your mom in a dark alley." Emmett was still nursing his sore neck that just so happened to be developing a sweet bruise when we got back to the shop.

"No shit. She sure can throw a pretty nasty punch," I added.

"Apparently my grandpa taught my mom how to fight when she was younger. I think he was expecting a boy when my grandma was pregnant." Jasper laughed, shaking his head. "You should've seen her when I was in Junior high. Now that one was classic."

"What happened?" Emmett asked. I waited.

"When I was in the eighth grade my teacher, Mrs. Denali, called me a punk. She said that I was disrespectful and needed a good ass whooping in front of the entire class."

"No shit?" Emmett was all ears.

"Yeah, the kid that sat behind me threw a wadded up piece of paper at Mrs. Denali and when she turned around he had ducked and all she saw was me," Jasper said before continuing. "Long story short, Mrs. Denali assumed it was me and went off."

"What'd your mom do?" I asked.

"When I got home and explained the situation, my mom got dressed, headed to the school, and found Mrs. Denali in her classroom. When my mom asked what happened, Mrs. Denali started spouting bullshit at my mom. Needless to say, she suffered from a black eye and a broken nose, courtesy of my mom." Jasper laughed at the memory.

"Oh, man! Did anything happen to your mom?" Emmett asked, grinning like an idiot. "Did you get expelled?"

"No. Nothing."

"What happened to your teacher?"

"She was fired because the school questioned the other students in the class. They all said that Mrs. Denali blew the shit out of proportion and basically verbally abused me."

"That's some funny shit right there!" Emmett said. "Well, I'm out for the night. Tell Rocky I said thanks for the entertainment!"

After Emmett left the shop, I looked over at Jasper he seemed lost in thought.

"What's wrong, man?" I asked, leaning against the tool cabinet. "You all right?"

He nodded, then shrugged. "My mom has always been there for me, you know? I just want her to be happy."

"What makes you think she isn't?" I asked, turning to face him.

"I don't know. I think I can sometimes see it in her face. My dad was a dick to her. She's been on two dates since their divorce and even those fuckers were assholes. I've moved on with my own life. I'm marrying Alice soon. I just don't want her to feel lonely, you know?"

"Actually, I do know." I knew exactly what it felt like to feel alone. Yes, I knew. All too well. "What was their marriage like?"

Jasper went on to explain that his dad had a tendency to bad mouth Bella, even one time smacking her across the face in one of his drunken stupors. A year and a half ago Bella found her husband fucking his business partners wife. The night that Bella discovered her husband in bed with the young woman, he'd told Bella that he couldn't stand the sight of her saggy ass anymore and had traded her in for a newer model. Jasper said that Bella was devastated.

"My dad was the biggest prick to my mom." Jasper looked far in thought, his fists balled up.

"It'll be all right, man."

When I left the shop for the night, I had every intention to drive home, crack open a cold beer, and fry my brain cells on late night TV. But something stopped me. Something Jasper said.

I drove. I wasn't sure where I was going. So, I just drove.

My mind kept going back to the conversation I had with Jasper about Bella, her fucked up marriage, and fucked up dates. And then another thought came to mind. I couldn't stop thinking about Jasper's concern about his mom being lonely. How could a woman as beautiful as Bella Swan be lonely? She had friends, family, people who loved her. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. And, I had no idea what his dad's issue was. Bella's body was gorgeous.

Before I knew what I was doing, I found myself parked in front of a familiar house.

Nobody should be alone. Nobody should have to feel lonely. I could be a friend. I could fill a bit of that void. It didn't have to be anything more than that. I could do this.

I got out of my truck and walked up to the door. I took a deep breath and gave a small knock. When nobody answered I knocked a little harder. Still no answer.

Feeling defeated, I made my way down the walkway to my truck, when the front door opened. When I turned around my breath caught in my throat. _Beautiful._

Without thinking, I walked back up to the door, sucking in a nervous breath, raking a hand through my hair, and smiled.

"Would, um, you like to have dinner with me sometime?"

* * *

><p><strong>Mmm...I need me a man like Edward to come knocking on my door. Writes that on this year's Christmas list...<strong>

**Hope you enjoyed a little insight on Bella, courtesy of Jasper. **

**Until next time...**

**OzellaMarie**


	6. Splitting Headaches and Poolside Hookups

**Chapter #6**

**Splitting Headaches and Poolside Hookups**

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><p><em>Oh my god my head hurts!<em>

"Swan!"

"Rosalie?"

"Damn, you look like shit Bells," Rosalie said, standing at the foot of my bed.

"Yeah, well I feel like shit." My head was pounding and I wasn't exactly in the mood for my friend's crap. "What are you doing here so early?"

"I stayed the night," she said, walking into my restroom. "Do you have any Tylenol?"

"Yeah, in the medicine cabinet. Where'd ya sleep?"

"In the pool house."

"You could've slept in one of the other bedrooms. Wait," I started, remembering the previous day and that when I had gone to bed, no one was here. "When did you come back over?"

"You had already gone to bed. I didn't want to wake you."

Rosalie was clearly leaving out some important information that I was damn sure I would beat out of her if she didn't fess up.

"What?" And then it dawned on me. "Did you bring someone over here last night?" I asked, swinging my legs over the side of the bed.

_What do _you_ think, Pervy? Ten to one says she did._

Rosalie stood in my bathroom looking like she'd been rode hard and put away wet. After she found what she was looking for, she came over and plopped herself on my bed. I could see that all too familiar 'I-Just-Got-Plowed' glow to her. Something I had seen time and time again, but this was deeper more radiant. _Wait!_

"Hold on! You _did_ bump uglies with someone in my pool house last night? Didn't you?" I was beyond irritated. "Better yet, _who_ did you have in my pool house last night?"

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Okay, but you better not judged me Bella! _Do not _judge, I'm serious," she said, shooting a warning look.

"Listening." I waved her on. "Continue."

Staring at her perfectly manicured nails Rosalie sighed heavily, "Emmett."

_Booya! I win! Told ya, Pervy!_

"What?" I'm pretty sure in that very moment, hearing that one name, I'd almost had a heart attack. Not to mention my inner bitch was about to get evicted.

"I slept with Jaspers friend. Ya know, that beefy stud muffin," Rosalie said matter of fact.

"Did you just say _stud muffin_? Jesus, Rose, you _are_ getting old."

"From one saggy ass to another!"

_She got you there, Pervy. That thing does hang a bit._

"My ass is not saggy. It looks damn good thank you very much," I replied running my hand over my backside.

"If you say so," she said sarcastically, giving me a thumbs up.

"Okay, back to the conversation at hand. What do you mean you _slept_ with Emmett?" I was really hoping it was of the snoring and slobbering kind of sleeping.

_Get real, Pervy! Do you actually think that Whorezilla herself would actually lay in a bed with a man for sleeping purposes only? Well, do ya?_

"Do I need to draw you a picture Swan? I. Fucked. Emmett!"

I was wrong.

_Yes. Yes you were._

My eyes must have popped out of their sockets like those cartoon characters you'd see on television. I knew that Rosalie had sex with a few men younger than her, but I didn't think that Jasper's friend would ever be one of them.

"I cannot believe you screwed one of my son's friends. That's just not right!" I scolded, shaking my head.

_Oh, but you want to screw one of your son's best friends! Such a hypocrite, Pervy._

"Oh, like _you're_ one to talk! I saw Mr. Tall-Sexy-And-Scrumptious leaving last night, looking all kinds of flustered. And don't you _even_ try to play dumb about it either," Rosalie countered, waving her finger at me like a mother would scolding her child.

_What the hell is this loony-fuck talking about?_

_She's talking about you wanting Edward Cullen like a fat kid wants candy. Poor guy has no clue!_

"I beg your pardon? Nobody left my house last night," I defensively retorted. "And who the hell is Mr. Tall-Sexy or whatever you said?"

"Mr. Tall-Sexy-And-Scrumptious, otherwise known as Edward Cullen, was spotted last night leaving your house. If you don't believe me, ask Emmett, he saw it too." A slow, victorious smile spread across Rosalie's red tinted lips. "You did him didn't you?"

My eyes shot wide. "Shut the hell up! I did not sleep with Edward Cullen," I spat, whispering the last two words as if someone might be listening to us. "He just stopped by to say hello."

_And to ask you out for dinner. Don't hold back now, Pervy. Give it up the goods. Enquiring mind want to know._

Rosalie just stared at me. "Whatever Swan, we'll let you tell it," she said getting up and walking to the bedroom door. "Oh, by the way, I'll be here at around one."

"For what?" I quizzed rather confused.

"Um, we're shopping for Alice's naughty lady party," Rosalie offered. "Oh, c'mon Swan! Did you really forget about it and that you're hosting it here?" I gave a confused look. "Oh, dear god. You have completely lost it. One o'clock Swan. Be ready."

_A bunch of drunk, old hags in one room flinging rubber dildos around…yeah, this should be fun._

"Quit screwing my Son's friends!" I yelled right as I heard Rosalie closing the front door. "You're old enough to be his grandmother!"

Still slightly groggy, I got up and drug my ass to the bathroom and stared in the mirror. I looked like hell and was certain that there wasn't enough Bondo in the free world to cover up the dark circles that were dancing under my eyes.

And then a thought hit me.

Edward wanted to have dinner tonight and I accepted.

This was going to be a long day.

_For you and me both!_


	7. Hagatha and Assmunch

**Chapter #7**

**Hagatha and Assmunch**

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><p>"Tell me now Swan before I pull this damn car over, drag you out, and beat your saggy, petrified ass into fessing up!" Rosalie threatened, which didn't really matter to me since I was beyond giving a crap about her threats. "Isabella!"<p>

"What do you want to know, Rose?"

I made an epic fail as soon as Rosalie came and picked me up this afternoon. Through casual conversation, I might have mentioned that Edward came to my house last night and asked me out to dinner. As soon as the innocent words left my mouth, Rosalie was all over it. Epic fail.

"Oh! You are such a fucking hag!" She began as she balled her fists that were resting on the top of the steering wheel. "Why don't you just tell me what happened. I want details, whore!"

I laughed. "Look, like I said nothing happened between Edward and me. I don't know why you keep pressing the issue," I sighed. "All he did was come over last night and asked me to dinner. No biggie."

_Boy I wish it was now. What I wouldn't give to be pecker-pounded instead of here with Rosalie and her mad interrogating skills!_

_The last time you got pecker-pounded, Pervy, was too long ago to even remember. Remember?_

Rose drove down Main St. hitting every goddamned light making my head jerk as if I was going through some horrific seizure._!_

"Do you have to drive like a friggen maniac?"

"I will drive any way I please. It's my car and you can just suck it the fuck up!" Rosalie's sneer wasn't what bothered me it was the fact that she was glaring at me while driving. Accident waiting to happen.

After another quick pump of the brakes and a severely painful neck cracking, I caved. "Alright you sadist, I'll spill! Just lay off the maniacal driving!" I rubbed my throbbing neck as a comfort, which I might add didn't work.

_Ow!_

We pulled into the Wal-Mart parking lot and squeezed into a handicapped parking space.

"Why are we parking here?" I asked arching my brow, my gaze settling in her direction. "What? Did you finally break your pussy and they deemed you handicapped?" I snorted.

"Shut the hell up, Swan!" Rose snapped, hanging the blue placard around her rearview window, petting it for good measure. "I took it from Billy's car when he kicked the bucket."

Billy Black is Rosalie's ex-husband. He and my father were best friends since grade school. When he and Rose met, she was twenty years his junior. After Billy died last year, he left Rose everything. I mean _everything_. His son Jacob was apparently pretty pissed off to the point he didn't attend the funeral. Nobody could blame Billy for his actions seeing as though Jacob was what one would consider a 'Bad Boy'. The kid kind of scared me to be honest. So now, Rosalie is sitting comfortably on a butt-load of cash, a beautiful home, and a few cars. I have to admit that she really did love him. She took care of him right up till the end.

We headed for the entrance of the store.

"Hey, Swan?" Rosalie called while she stood next to the paper plates and plastic cups. "What do you think of Emmett?"

I took a minute to think that question through thoroughly. Emmett Cullen was a nice young man; except for the fact he seemed to have a few screws loose. I don't mean like he needed to be locked in a padded cell or anything. Well, scratch that. Maybe he did. What I mean is the guy is always, and I stress the word always, talking about sex, farts, shit and threesomes. I'm truly convinced that he needed therapy.

"Well," I paused before taking a look at Rosalie's pleading face. "He seems like a good enough guy."

"Oh," was all Rosalie could muster under intense thought as she fingered a package of Dixie plates lost in thought.

"Look Rose," I said, walking up to her. "Ever since I've known Emmett he's always been very thoughtful if I needed help and whatnot. But then-," I trailed off.

"What? Then what Swan?" She pressed. Her eyes widened.

"He's just kind of…_goofy_," I replied, staring at the twenty-four count package of Dixie paper plates that Rosalie was now gripping.

It was evident that Rose was soaking up everything I just offered. I even noticed the corners of her mouth begin to lift in a smile. "Well, I like goofy! And I like him." Rose was so matter of fact that I knew talking her out of this wouldn't happen.

I honestly didn't mean to laugh. Really I didn't. But when Rosalie admitted that she had feelings for Emmett, she threw her arm out and knocked over an entire display of red Solo plastic cups. The whole shit load came tumbling down to her feet. Now because those damn things are so light, they all took a flying leap across the center aisle with one package hitting an innocent bystander in the foot, causing the lady to take trip and take a flying leap her damn self.

Rosalie watched in horror as the poor woman, who was blindsided by the plastic cups, fell.

I couldn't help myself. I busted up laughing, doubling over in hysterics. That shit was the funniest thing I had ever seen and I literally peed myself a little.

_You're in for it now, Pervy! Hoe-sie Rosie is gonna getcha!_

A second later Rosalie took a runners stance and lunged at me with full force. I was shoved into a display of Charmin toilet paper, sending the Brawny paper towels above me crashing to the floor. The funny thing about the whole situation was Rose's skirt was riding up past her waist as her granny panties bunched up in her ass crack.

_That's what you get Assmunch!_

A crowd had developed around us which meant everyone was quite aware of Rosalie's ass inhaling her big ass bloomers.

"Get off me you cow!" I screamed, accidentally jamming my forefinger up her nostril. "You weigh like ten tons, Bertha!" Rosalie wasn't actually a big girl.

"Fuck you!" She seethed through clenched teeth. "How dare you laugh at me!" She gripped either side of my head and pounded it into a package of Charmin.

"Eat shit, Assmunch!" I spat, reaching up and twisting her pert nipple.

_And wouldn't you know that's all it took!_

_Disgusting, Pervy! _

"Ow!" Rosalie yelled, falling back square on her ass visually exhausted. "I hate you Bella. You," she pointed at me. "suck big hairy balls!"

"Yeah, well, no one else likes _your_ funky ass, so you're stuck with me."

"Whatever, Hagatha. Let's go."

We stood up from our Wal-Mart rumble with what seemed a million eyes focused on us. A petit blonde woman who clearly had a pole stuck up her hiney stalked up to us.

"You two," the woman said, waving her freshly manicured forefinger between Rosalie and me. "You two have created quite a ruckus and you both need to leave at once. If you fail to exit this establishment on your own, I will ask security to escort you out." The woman's eyes glared at Rosalie and anyone who knew Rosalie knew that was a big mistake. Rose apparently had a complex with people staring and glaring at her. Although, I always did it just to irritate her.

"Lauren?" Rosalie asked, flicking the blonde woman's name tag with her finger. "Lauren, you work here?"

"Yes I do," Lauren stated matter of fact crossing her arms across her chest and holding her position in front of Rosalie. "I'm the manager here and I would advise you and _her_ to leave _now_." She said pointing in my direction.

"Oh hell no, bitch! My best friend here has a name. I may not like her right now and think she's a troll at the moment but you, especially you, will not disrespect her," Rosalie spat, rolling her head from side to side, which was always funny to watch when she tried to act hardcore.

"C'mon, Jackie Chan, let's get out of here before you get us arrested," I said, tapping Rosalie's shoulder.

"You're lucky little miss Goody-Two-Shoes that my friend here stopped me before I _whooped_ your ass just for being an irritating ugly bitch!" Rosalie huffed in Lauren's direction.

We waltz out of the store, all eyes on us. Yeah sure, we looked tore up from the floor up, but we were grown women and held our heads up even though Rosalie's nipple was still throbbing from the titty twister I'd given her.

"Fuck you, Wal-Mart! _We're_ going to Target!" Rosalie shouted. And with that, we got in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

Twenty minutes later…

"Get out, whore-nugget," Rosalie said, braking fast in my driveway. "Bells?"

"Yeah?"

"Sorry for pushing you in the Charmin."

"Yeah. Sorry for twisting your nipple."

"It's cool. It kind of felt good anyway."

"Nasty bitch!"

"Troll!"

* * *

><p><strong>So, did we all have fun at Wal-Mart? Just a little fun something to get you by until date night!<strong>

**Until next time...**

**OzellaMarie**


	8. Ring Pops and Party Favors

**Chapter #8**

**Ring Pops and Party Favors**

* * *

><p>"Bella! Open this motherfucking door before I kick it in!"<p>

An insistent banging continued to land on my door and I had no doubt who is was as I started to make my way down the stairs.

For a split second I played with the idea of making the blonde Amazon wait. I quickly thought against it. The neighborhood would protest to a screaming, flailing blonde psycho in my front yard.

"You know, you're beginning to get on my last nerve," I said, opening the front door to a very disturbed Rosalie Hale. "You need counseling."

"Don't give me lip, Swan. I _will_ beat you up again."

"Ro-," I began, only to be caught off guard by the sight in front of me. "What in the hell are you holding?"

The plastic, fleshy colored object in Rosalie's arms screamed perversion.

"This? Is _this_ what you are referring to, my dear friend?" Rosalie pointed to the inflatable she held in her arms. "This here is a blow up pecker. I tried looking for one that was still in the package but the comedian behind the counter said that this _here_ was the only one in stock."

I tried to stifle my giggles, I really did, but the sight was just too much. "Oh my god! And you believed him? You are a fucking idiot." I shook my head in disbelief. "I would not have been caught dead driving my car with a plastic peen in tote."

Rosalie, still standing at my front door with her plastic blow up pecker, shot me the death glare. "Shut the hell up and move!"

Rosalie shoved passed me and tossed her plastic pecker to the side.

We finished getting all the 'goodie' bags out of Rosalie's car and began to set up. Alice wasn't supposed to be over for another hour, so we decided to get a head start. I wasn't exactly sure how this night was going to progress, but it was definitely bound to get interesting. Not to mention, after forgetting about Alice's plastic penis fest that I was hosting tonight, I still had a dinner date with Edward that I knew, indefinitely, I would need to cancel.

_Better got on the Pervy, it's already five o'clock._

"Okay, I got the pizza ordered. I also ordered a shitload of hot wings. The beer and sodas are chilling in the bins and there's a bunch of crap for mixed drinks." I motioned to the kitchen island. "And, if these ladies do not leave here drunk off their asses, then something's wrong."

Rosalie shifted booze bottles here and there, creating a makeshift bar in my kitchen. "What time's the cracked out pixie supposed to be here?"

"Soon. Said she needed to pick up some stuff and then she'd be over."

I'd known Alice for the last eleven years, since she and Jasper had gone to high school together. She was his first major love and now I had the pleasure of calling her my soon-to-be daughter-in-law. Alice was completely neurotic and hyperactive to the nth degree. That girl had more energy than a kid on a sugar high. But, regardless of her imperfections, I loved Alice like a daughter and trusted her completely. Besides, she made my son happy and that was all that mattered to me.

"Bella, check this shit out," Rosalie called, sifting through a bunch of red plastic bags and explaining every item that she pulled out. "I got some rainbow colored cock sucker rings. You know, like those ring pops they sell at the store. And here are some penis shaped suckers on a stick," she said, holding up the obscene sugary treat.

_Great, Pervy. Your friend over here went weinered out A La Grandma's Gone wild._

"Here's some shit called sizzling body candy, I think. Anyway," Rosalie said, looking slightly perplexed. "You're supposed to apply it to moist skin and lick it off. It gives a crackling sensation or some crap."

_Yep. It's gonna give her a crackling sensation alright. It's gonna crackle her tongue right out of her mouth._

"Here's some peppermint peckers for you bitches with nasty breath." Rosalie handed the packages over to me. "Oh! This one is my favorite!" Rosalie's excitement had piqued my curiosity. "Candy. Nipple. Tassels. What do you think? Cool huh?"

I tried to shake the thought of my closest friends running around my house, wearing nipple tassels, singing 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'.

It didn't work.

"Who gets the nipple tassels? And, why is there only one package?" I asked.

"These bitches are mine. Gonna put em' on later and let Emmiboy have his way with me," she said, twirling the tasty confection about the air. "Cause that's how I roll, _biotch_."

_And you agreed to this shit? Pervy, you have done, gone, and lost your mind!_

"There is not enough brain bleach in the free _world_ to eliminate the disgusting visual I just received loud and clear."

The thought of Rose and Emmett bumping uglies was not a sight I wanted to behold.

"Oh, what's wrong, Swan? Jealous?" Rosalie teased. "Pissed that your vag is stuffed with cobwebs?"

An all too familiar voice sang out. "Where's the cobwebs, Mom? I'll take care of them for you."

_Hey look, Pervy! It's your son. I have a feeling that things are about to get interesting up in this…_biotch!

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for being so patient with this update. You truly are the best!<strong>

**Until next time...**

**OzellaMarie**


	9. He Who Shares the Love

**Chapter #9  
><strong>

**He Who Shares the Love  
><strong>

* * *

><p>An hour after Jasper dropped Alice off, and finally left, the pecker party was in full swing.<p>

"Hey, hoes! The Dildo Pusher's here!"

"The _who_?"

With a slight roll of her eyes, Rosalie explained. "You know, the Pecker Dispenser? The Dildo Don? He Who Shares the Love?" We all just looked at her, completely dumbfounded. "Oh, just get your asses out here!"

I heard an unfamiliar voice rise from my den as I rounded the corner. Standing next to the lit fireplace was a very handsome, blonde gentleman. I had absolutely no idea who he was.

Slightly leery, I took a seat next to Rosalie. "Who's the guy?" I asked, jutting my chin toward the blonde. "I thought we said _no_ men at this thing."

Rosalie was perched up high with a note pad placed on her lap and a pen in her hand. "Shh!" she spat, giving me the stink eye. "_That's_ the Pecker Peddler, and he's about to start."

My eyes shot back to the blonde as I pointed. "That's the _hostess_? I thought _she_ was a she!" I whisper-yelled, jabbing my finger toward the man. "Not a _he_!"

Rosalie rolled her shoulders and glared at me "Look, Bella. Who gives a shit? Hell, I'd buy some vag goodies from the fucking Easter Bunny if his ass was selling the shit!"

I was pulled back, when the blonde began his rant.

"Oh mi God!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands up to his mouth. "Look at all of the beautiful ladies here tonight! You all look totally scrumptious. Hmph!" he pouted, placing his hands on his hips. "I am _so_ jealous!"

_Great, Pervy! Not only do you have a house full of cock starved women, you now have Peter the Princess for a hostess! Good luck with that._

"Well ladies, my name is James and this is my assistant, Victoria," the Pecker Peddler said, gesturing to the redhead standing beside him, who looked as amused as Rosalie's therapist. "We will be your hostesses tonight, showing you a variety of adult themed items you and your special _someone_ can put to some good use.

_Did he just use air quotes, Pervy? Oh yes, yes he did!_

I hadn't noticed earlier that the blonde was oddly dressed for a man. He was wearing a pair of tight jeans that hung low on his narrow hips. His ivory colored t-shirt looked as if it had been cut at the hem and was riding up over his taut mid-section. He had on shiny lip gloss and his nails looked freshly manicured. The kicker was when he bent over a green thong popped out under the waist of his tight jeans.

_Oh Lord! Pery! He stole Rosalie's underwear! Epic fail, Pervy! Abort mission!_

Giggles came from every direction as soon as James opened his mouth. Yes, it was obvious that James was batting for Team Estrogen. I kind of liked him, though. He was free spirited and full of spunk.

"First of all, I'd like to say that whoever brought that life-size penis to the party," he began, pointing to Rose's plastic friend, "is my hero! It is so pink and pretty. Mmm…just gives me the goosies!" His shimmy at the end made us all double over. "Well, ladies, let us just put out a few more items and we'll get started.

As we all waited for Peter the Princess and his redheaded accomplice to finish setting up, Rosalie leaned over close to my ear.

"Have you ever read some shit called fan fiction?"

A crease formed between my brows. "What the hell is that?"

"It's stories. Ya know, fiction?"

"Never heard of it. Are they any good?"

The smile on Rosalie's face grew ten times. It was almost devious.

"Fuck yeah they are," she squealed. "Some of the hottest stuff I've ever read."

I looked around. "Do you have one with you? A book?"

Rosalie shook her head. "They are on a couple different websites, but nothing you can get in print. Some of that shit is like straight up porn! They're stories based off of other published authors characters and whatnot. The ones I've been reading are based of the characters from that vampire series. The one with that Edwardo character you have lady wood for," she snickered.

"Whatever," I said, flipping her the bird. "You got it bad for the blonde dude, Elmer."

"Yeah, he is pretty fucking hot." Rosalie admitted, dreamily.

I continued to scan over the paper when a thought crossed my mind.

"You mean to tell me that you sit on your ass and read lengthy stories on your computer?" Her nod was confirmation. "Hell, no wonder why you don't get anything done."

"Oh, fuck you!" she scolded. "Trust me you wouldn't get a damned thing done either if you read one of these stories. They _are_ that good. Here," Rosalie said, handing me a piece of paper, "I brought you a list with the link to the website where you can find them at."

As I read over the list, as few names and titles popped from the page.

"This author, bnjwl, writes some pretty steamy stuff. We're talking full on fuckage." The glint in Rosalie's eye was clearly noticeable. "Made me wet just reading it! She wrote those, Metal Pointe and Menage A Trois, plus several others."

_Oh, Jesus, Pervy! Really? Do we really have to hear about her vag leakage? TMI, Rosalie!_

"Oh, and this one is IrishChicka1. Her story, Collard, damn, that fic had me squirming." Rosalie blew out a long, shuddering breath. "And the main male character, hot!"

_Eww. I wouldn't touch that piece of paper, Pervy. Rosalie more than likely had her hand all up in her coochie and then touched it. Sick!_

"Check em' out. Seriously, they're that good."

"We'll see. Right now I have to deal with thong boy over there," I said, pointing to the Pecker Peddler.

"Okay, ladies. Are we ready to start?"

The room erupted in 'yes' and nods.

_I'll just sit back and watch the freak show over here, Pervy. Just make sure you buy something we'll both enjoy. _

"Here," James said, "we have the mamadog93 vibrator! It's made up of a rippled, textured surface. It has adjustable speeds and it's waterproof. Oh, ladies, this little number _will_ become your best friend!" The Pecker Peddler clapped his hands. "The best part about this little bitty is that it is bright red with embedded, shiny jewels. And, don't worry, the jewels will not cause any abrasions."

Lauren raised her hand. "Why is it called the mamadog93?"

James smiled, twisting his hands together. "It was created and designed by a lovely lady who wanted something made to her liking, thus calling it mamadog93. Miss Joy is such a lovely lady and, by now, after getting her hands on this thing, more than likely has a very happy vagina!"

Lauren smiled, content with the given explanation, while others hummed and nodded.

"Oh, and next we have the Ultimate Anal Lube!" James clapped. "This is my personal favorite!"

"Anal lube! Over here! Right here!" Alice chirped.

_Oh, sweet baby Jesus! She wants anal lube, Pervy. Be scared for Jasper. Be very, very scared._

"Alice, shut up!" Rosalie and I shouted in unison.

"How much is that?" Alice asked James the dildo slinger.

"Oh, girl, it's just twelve ninety-five, but if you buy two, I'll throw one in for free!" James beamed, excitedly.

"I'll take six," Alice announced.

"What the hell do you need six bottles of anal lube for, Alice?" Rosalie quizzed.

"Shut your hole, Rose! Just shut your hole! You _do not_ want to start with me," Alice warned. "What Jasper and I do with anal lube is none of your business."

_I told you so, Pervy. Poor Jasper._

"Enough! Please. Just, _enough_." It was all I could do not to dunk my head in a basin of bleach and will the visuals away.

I sat next to Rosalie and watched all the commotion around me.

The party had taken on a life of its own. Rosalie continued to get completely hammered and hostile. Alice proceeded to buy up James' complete inventory of Ultimate Anal Lube. My neighbors, Lauren, Tonya and Jessica, eyeballing the sixteen function Amber Rabbit and Alice's co-workers, Angela and Leah, examining the Dual Harness Strap-on. My house was full of horny, drunk women. I needed to break free from the estrogen parade.

_Doorbell, Pervy. Let's see who it is?_

"I got it!" Alice yelped, almost stumbling over the plastic penis. "Control your cock, Rosalie!"

"Eat shit troll!" Rosalie scoffed.

As Alice opened the front door her eyes went wide. "Hey, who invited Edward?"

My head snapped up only to be met by a pair of deep green eyes.

_Shit, I forgot to call and cancel!_

_Yes. Yes you did, Pervy. Now _this_ should be_ interesting!

* * *

><p><strong>There you have it!<strong>

**It took me a bit to work this chapter out. I must have went over it several times until I was happy with it (still not sure if I am). Hopefully you all are!**

**bnjwl and IrishChicka1 are actual FF authors. You all should check them out. They write some awesome fics!**

**mamadog93 and Amber are avid FF readers and we love them to pieces!  
><strong>

**So, a big thanks goes out to bnjwl, IrishChicka1, mamadog93, and Amber for keeping me sane and making me giggle. I truly do not deserve you. **

**Thanks to you all for reading, reviewing, rec'ing, alerting, and favoriting this goofy fic. I am humbled. **

**You all are the best!  
><strong>

**Until next time...**

**OzellaMarie  
><strong>


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